Beowulf

A student walks in to the library...

Student:  "Hi.  I was looking for a book that I'm hoping you have.  Have you heard of a story called Beowulf?"

Somehow I kept a straight face...

Me:  "Yes...I've heard of Beowulf and I'm sure we have it.  Let me just look up where it is."

Beowulf, according to Dewey, is 829.3, so off I go towards the stacks with the student following behind.  

Student:  "History?  Why are we in the history section?" he said rather nervously.  "I thought Beowulf was fantasy.  I don't want history!"

Me:  "Actually, this is the literature section.  You know that Beowulf is old right?  Like really REALLY old?  Some consider it to be the first story EVER?"

Student:  "You mean, Beowulf is like the first ever fantasy?  COOL!"

Keep it cool, keep it cool...

Me:  "Which English would you like it in?"

Student:  (blank stare)

Again, I somehow maintained a straight face.

Me:  "Beowulf was written so long ago that it was written in an English that is very different from the English was speak today.  Here let me show you."

This was obviously the first time the student had ever heard of Old English or was introduced to it.  It was an amazing thing to see his eyes light up and his jaw drop open.  

Student:  "This is English?!  Do you have Beowful in like now English?"

In the end, the student walked out of the library with a facing-pages copy of Beowulf with Old English on one side and modern English on the other.  That was an awesome experience and I just can't stop laughing.

Maine 2012

Our Maine 2012 trip. Hope you enjoy it. We certainly did!

Drawings

Things my daughter drew tonight:

A giant surfboard so that everyone in the entire world can surf on it.

A two giant surfboard so that Emma and Miles can surf.

A surfboard contraption (her words).

A water holder machine with an on and off button.

A duck that really looked like a duck.

A Lotdog with legs like a doggy and a hotdog on it's back. (said like hotdog)

A man digger contraption.

A Seven-eyed eye grabber that picks eyes off your glasses so a new eye can grow in.

The cells in her body trying to get rid of the cheese and dairy. (She was stuffed up last night and we
told her it was probably because of the food she ate)

A none-eye fanner (No idea) with two faces that have eyes.

A giant duckling.

A none-eye Snake with four eyes so little that you can't see them, and they just need some glasses.

A dragon-face body with wings from a pegasus.

A cell-lady. (It actually looked like a cell too, but with a smiling face.)

A dog with three legs and a pegasus.

A fruit painter and a door for the fruit painter's house with a smiley face.

Three silly bags of food.

A flan and a flish.

Emma Time

Mike: Emma, do you know how long mommy and daddy have been married?

Emma: 20 days?

Mike: 6 years.

Emma: I don't believe it!

Stir-fry Love

Emma:  Do we put love in our food?
Carina:  Love?
Emma:  Yeah, like Theresa.
Carina:  Theresa puts love in her food?
Emma:  Yeah.  Do we?
Carina:  I guess so.  What do you think Daddy?  Do we put love in our food?
Daddy:  With every stir.
Emma:  Only in stir-fry?!

Allergic to Rainstorms

(While watching the rain storm).


Emma:  Achoo!
Mike:  Bless you.
Emma:  Daddy, I love watching rainstorms with you - achoo - but I think I'm allergic to rainstorms.

Funny Log - Maine Edition

Since we didn't really have much access to the internet, we kept a log of all of the funny things said while we were in Maine.  Enjoy:

-------------------------

Emma:  Are we there yet?  (Said about 2 miles from our house on the way to Maine).

-------------------------

Emma:  Can I have a hug Daddy?
Mike:  Not right now Emma.  I can't.  I'm driving.
Emma:  Mommy, can you hug me?
Carina:  I'm sorry honey.  I can't get to you right now either.  We're in the car.
Emma:  Can we have a group hug when we get to Maine?

Where we could go.

Carina and Mike were enjoying a pie in the sky discussion about sailing around the world. Emma listens to all this and chimes in rather firmly with the following:
Emma: If we had a car, we could drive to China!

Emma's Story

Emma:

Excuse me, I'm going to tell you a story.

Once, long ago, there were two bugs and friends who wanted to go to the park.

They went to the first park, but there were humans sitting there!

They went to a second park, but there were humans there too.

So they went to a third park and there was nobody there so they played happily ever after the end.

She Knows Facebook?!

Carina:  Emma, which picture do you like for this next blog post?

This one...

or this one...

Emma:  I like the first one.  Let's put it on facebook!

Holy Sneeze

Emma:  Achoo!

Carina:  Bless you.

Emma:  I'm so blessuous!

Chicken Bottom

Miles: Well I get my eggs right from the farm, Emma.
Emma: Oh really?
Miles: Yes, they taste so much better because they come right from the chicken's bottom and then I eat them.
Emma: MMMM! That sounds GREAT!

A Birthday Wish for Retta

Retta holding baby Emma

The following is a request.  Please add Retta and Jack Sheerin to your prayer/thought/casting/whatever-you-call-it lists.

Many of you know Retta.  For those who do not, she's been a friend of mine for about 15 years; was maid of honor at my wedding as I was at hers, and has had a really rough time the past few years.  Here's an idea of some of their recent challenges:  Her husband, Jack, lost his father, his job, and Retta developed hyperthyroidism which resulted in having to have her thyroid removed.  And all that happened in the same year that they were married!

But they never gave up.  This bullet-proof couple just kept working at their dreams; believing in each other with complete faith.  They decided to become even more self reliant (if that's even possible) and buy a farm.

However, life has once again decided to get in their way.  On the evening of May 18, Jack was in a traumatic motorcycle accident.  He was driving alone when he hit a deer and was whipped to the ground.  If not for some neighbors who found him, it's unsure how long he would have been left there.

Jack & Retta at their wedding

The accident left him with a contusion on his hip, a broken collar bone, and short term memory loss.  He's currently at the Kessler Institute for Rehabilitation in West Orange.  The outlook is quite good, but recovering from brain damage takes time, the patience to deal with it, and a lot of faith.

For those unfamiliar with this kind of injury (as I was), Jack currently has trouble converting short term memory to long term memory.  I'm sure others reading this could explain it far better than I can, but the bottom line is that he only remembers what's been told to him for about an hour or so.  That means Retta has had to tell Jack that he's been in a motorcycle accident dozens of times over the past couple of weeks because each time he wakes up, he doesn't remember what happened to him, where he is, or why he can't do things by himself right now.  A comic reference would be the movie 50 First Dates with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore.  Obviously there's nothing funny though about having a spouse that remembers little every morning and to whom you have to relive the whole awful thing again and again.

At Theresa's Baby Sprinkle

As I said before, the outlook is good.  Don't get me wrong.  We think that Jack will be fine in the end.  This is just a very trying time and I needed to write about it.  There's very little I can do for them right now besides being there for Retta on the phone when she's not in the middle of making major medical decisions for Jack or keeping him from trying to leave the facility because he doesn't understand that he's injured.

And considering the fact that Retta is 5'2" and Jack is 6'6" that ain't easy!

What can you possibly say to a friend who is going through something like that?  Who has already gone through so much yet always seems to persevere with a grace and resilience that I can't fathom?  When something like this happens - to someone that means so much to you - all of your problems and issues seem so stupid!  Everything you worry about like bills or cleaning the house zooms out until it looks like a speck of dust that you can just blow away.  It's all so insignificant and you feel insignificant for having worried about all of that in the first place.

A rude lesson for the last two beautiful people who needed such a lesson.

The reason I'm writing this today instead of earlier is because I was lying in bed unable to sleep, thinking about things.  My mind wandered as to what I could possibly do to help Retta and Jack at a time like this.  Especially because - get this...

...tomorrow is Retta's birthday.

So for her birthday I would like to send as much love and thought her way as I can.  It's the best I can do.  Will you help me?



(I wish I had more pictures of Retta and Jack, but they're both very private people and expert camera dodgers!  I'll post more as I find them.)

Prehistoric Patriotism

Emma was in the backseat while I was driving, playing with an American Flag sticker that she'd just been given for Memorial Day.

Emma:  Mommy, how many symbols are there?

Carina:  Symbols of what honey?

Emma:  Symbols on the flag?

Carina:  You mean how many stars are on the American Flag?

Emma:  No, how many velociraptors?

Carina:  VELOCIRAPTORS?!

Emma:  Yeah, how many symbols - like velociraptors - are on the American Flag?

How do you respond to something like that?

Irony in plant form

Mike: This peace lily looks AWESOME!  It looks like a Mace stuck into a flower!

Carina: HAH! PEACE lily! MACE! HAH!

B I C K

Carina: So I think I'd like to go for a (and she says the following letters individually, spelling out the word so little furry doggy and three year old ears can't understand, in case we don't actually DO the thing mentioned) W - A - L - K.  What do you think?  Want to come?
Mike:  I'm still eating, and I think I might like to take a (spelling again) B - I - C - K ride.
Carina: A bick ride?
Mike: Oh... right.  Yeah. Umm... Bike...  Bike ride. I can spell... Really.

Accidentals

During dinner, Carina dropped her potato on the floor.

Carina:  (In an Irish accent).  Ach!  I dropped me potato on the floor!

Emma:  (Imitating Carina).  Potato on the floor...

Carina:  (Laughing)  If there's one thing I've learned about being an elementary teacher, it's that kid love accents!

Emma:  Accents?  Like pee and poop?  Kids like accents?!

Carina:  No Emma!  That's accidents!

I think Mike fell out of the chair at that point laughing so hard.

Stuff

Ma B: (On seeing Emma's playroom in it's normal messy state) Emma, how can you find anything in this room?
Emma: You turn on the light!

Color Blind Beauty

Carina:  Do you want to go for a walk Emma?

Emma:  Yes, I want to go for a short walk.  To the place with the girl that's a different color.

Carina:  What?

Emma:  The girl whose a different color than me.

Carina:  Color of what?

Emma:  The girl.

Carina:  What color are you Emma?

Emma:  White.  And the girl is white too but brown too, like me.

Carina:  You mean her hair?  Her skin?

Emma:  No mommy!  Her house!  Her house is white and brown like mine!  *Then she rolls her eyes at me.*

Favorite House!

Emma: I like Bella's house better than our house.

Mike: Why?

Emma: Because Bella's voice is so terrific!

Mike: Oh.  Good reason.

Sleepy musings

Carina: I could drink a desert.  

...

That made no sense.

Liout

Emma: Wow, that's a Liout!
Mike: What's a Liout?
Emma: It's a lion with a lions head and a snakes body.
Mike: Oh, of course, how did I not know that?
Emma: I don't know! Emma runs off yelling: It's a job for Snake! Got it!

Thank You Mom and Dad

I was watching this television show and the episode was about a woman who was in her early thirties and still didn't quite know what she wanted to do with her life.  Much of the episode involved flashbacks of her parents and their none-too-subtle comments about what she should be and what she should do with her life.  They expected her to be a lawyer, have two kids by the time she was thirty, and no other path was acceptable or even conceivable to them.

They thought this is what would make their daughter happy because it's what would make THEM happy.

This obviously leads the character to make a series of horrible mistakes in her life because most of her decisions are made under pressure out of the desire to please her parents.  A direct quote from the show is "I am suffocating under your collective disappointment."

Most times I like to watch such realistic fiction because I can relate to the character.  I like leaving a show feeling a connection with what I've just seen; having been somehow affirmed or vindicated.  But as I clicked my laptop closed I realized that...this is one problem I never had.

My parents never made me feel like I HAD to do or be anything but happy.  I was never pressured to become a doctor or a lawyer (not that there is anything wrong with either profession - they just aren't me).  No matter what I wanted to be at the time, they supported me and allowed me to make the decision myself. 

When I was just an 8th grader and decided that I wanted to be a marine biologist (because I really wanted to be a vet but I'm allergic to animals), they allowed me to do research on the Marine Academy of Science and Technology - a special magnet high school for those seeking careers in the ocean sciences.  I have no idea if they were just placating me, but it sure felt like they were ready to let me move to Cape May to follow that dream, if that's what I wanted.

When I decided to be a computer animator in high school, they drove me all the way to the Rochester Institute of Technology to let me see for myself if this was something I wanted to do.  But RIT didn't have a band, they didn't sing musicals, and they expected me to draw....on paper...to be a computer animator.  Definitely not the place for me.

But again, they let me make my own decision.  They didn't dismiss my ideas.

When I eventually decided on a college that was "just a liberal arts school" they fully supported me.  There were many reasons I fell in love with TCNJ, but I'll be honest.  The brand-spanking-new acoustic music hall is what really had me weak in the knees for the place.  I need music in my life to learn well and be happy.  I knew that about myself back then, even if I wasn't aware of it nor was I able to articulate it. 

I'm not sure they understood it either, but they supported me.

After TCNJ I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.  I had an English degree but had no desire to teach English.  I played around with being a Science Fiction editor for a real long time.  I even worked at Realms of Fantasy, the largest magazine in the world devoted to fantasy, for 4 years as their slush editor - FOR FREE - because I thought it would lead to a career in publishing.  It didn't.  And they probably knew that it never would because most publishing houses are in cities and I HATE cities.  But they just let me do my thing anyway, rolled their eyes, shrugged, and smiled.

I lived in different places with different roommates.  Bought a house when I was only 21.  Hopped from clerical job to clerical job, sang my operas...and just...lived.  My parents never once made me feel like I wasn't the most incredible, most accomplished person on the planet.  They had complete faith in me.  Or at least they had me happily fooled.  They always made me feel competent and like I was "going places."

Like the character in the television show I was watching, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life either.  At least in regards to a career.  I didn't figure that out either until I'd turned about 30 too.  Once I figured it out, I went back to school, got my masters, and now I'm finally doing something that is truly fulfilling.  Sure, I complain about my job like everybody else, but it really is finally a good fit for me.  I get to learn about everything and anything every day, while making a difference, and still singing on the side.  My cup of tea.

Yet my parents remained unsurprised.  It's like they'd already been here and had already seen what I would accomplish before I could.  They taught me to always follow my gut and to have the confidence to go for it; that I can do anything.  I know far too many people, and have far too many friends, whose parents did not give them that same level of respect and trust when they were young, and it's now that they're really suffering for it.  They're paralyzed; incapable of moving forward because they are stuck in their own past.  But thanks to my parents, that's not me. 

I can do anything.

Thanks Mom and Dad.

Your daughter,
The Librarian

Phone Protocol

Mike had a late meeting today, so Emma and I had to start dinner without him.  We try to have dinner together as much as possible, so Mike "phoned in" from the road.  I put him on speaker so Emma, Mike, and I could still talk while having dinner. 

Emma:  I made a racecar today Daddy.
Mike:  You made a racecar today?
Emma:  Yeah, in school.
Mike:  Oh, that's great!  Can I see it when I get home?
Emma:  It doesn't have wheels.
Mike:  Oh.  Well that's ok.  Will you show it to me when I get home?
Emma:  No.  I left it at school.
Mike:  Oh.
Emma:  Ok bye.

Emma then tries to hang up on Mike.

Carina:  No!  Don't hang up on Daddy!
Emma:  Why?
Carina:  Because I'M not done talking to him yet.
Emma:  Oh.  After you're done, can I hang up on him?

Game On!

Emma has started playing video games by herself.  Her current favorite is Diego Safari Adventure. 

Carina:  Emma, it's time for dinner
Emma:  (no response)
Carina:  Emma?

Carina walks over to Emma's playroom, saves Emma's game, and holds her hand out to her.

Carina:  Emma, I said it's time for dinner.
Emma:  *sigh*  Ok.  I guess I'll have to save the elephants after dinner.

Potty Play

Carina:  (tucks Emma into bed)  Goodnight Emma.
Emma:  *whimper*
Carina:  What is it Emma?
Emma:  I have to potty.
Carina:  Are you serious?
Emma:  Yes.  I always have to go potty at night time.
Carina:  *sigh*  Alright, let's go.

After Emma is sitting on the potty a good long time...

Carina:  Are you done peeing?
Emma:  No.  It doesn't want to come out.  I think it's busy playing with the poop.

J - O - P

Carina and I were discussing our groceries list today and this was Emma's addition to our list.
Emma: J - O - P!
Carina: What does that spell, Emma?
Emma: Chocolate Milk!

The dream told me to

Carina walks past the bottom of the stairs about an hour after we put Emma to bed and looks upstairs to see Emma playing with her My Little Pony at the top of the stairs.
Carina: You're out of bed!
Emma: Yes.
Carina: Why are you out of bed?
Emma: I had a dream.
Carina: And the dream told you to get out of bed and play with your My Little Ponies at the top of the stairs?
Emma: Yes.

Smokey the Bandit Emma

Emma:  Dad, can you help me eat my dinner?

Mike:  No Emma, you can do it yourself.

Emma:  But Dad, only you can...

Mike:  ...prevent forest fires?

Emma:  What Dad?

Mike:  Never mind.  It was a joke.

Emma:  Only you can prevent forest tires!

Mike:  (laughs)

Emma:  That was a joke!

My Tummy Says!

Emma:  (sitting at the dinner table, with an unfinished plate of food in front of her) Daddy, my tummy is full.
Mike: Oh really?
Emma: Yes.  My tummy is telling me not to eat any more.  My tummy is telling me it is time to play video games with you!

Baby Whale, no, Crow!

Emma: (sitting at her drawing table) I'm going to draw a baby whale!
Mike: Great!
Emma: No, a baby Crow!
Mike: Sure.
Emma: No, a baby dolphin that can FLY!

Girl Chewing

Emma: (while sitting down at dinner) Daddy?
Mike: Yes?
Emma: You sound like a girl when you chew.
Mike: Umm... thanks.

Quote of the day

Carina: Am I a bad mom if I just don't want to play video games today?

Unconditional Love

Emma: Bella?
Carmen (Emma's Grandmother, known to Emma as Bella, since she couldn't pronounce abuela when she was younger, and it stuck): Yes, Emma?
Emma: I love you!
Carmen: Why do you love me?
Emma: I love you because I love you! I love you even if I am far away in my house!
Carmen got teary-eyed and gave her a big hug!

Mario Brothers!

Emma: Can we play Super Mario Brothers?
Carina: No, honey, we're working right now.
Emma: (five minute later) Can we play Super Mario Brothers?
Mike: I'm sorry, Emma, we're still working right now.
Emma: (3 minutes later) Can we play Super Mario Brothers?
Carina: Ok, Emma.  We can play Super Mario Brothers now.
Emma: YAY! YAY! YAY! SUPER MARIO BROTHERS!  YAY! YAY! YAY!
Mike: I don't think she's excited at all.
Emma: I am! I AM!

Floor cookie

Emma drops a cookie on the floor.
Carina: Uh oh!
Emma: That's ok, I like it that way!

Walking Head

Emma: And one time my head was walking by itself, with eyes!
Mike: Really? Walking with eyes?
Emma: Yes, and with nose and mouth.
Mike: Ahh, that clears it up.

A mysterious little baby

Emma: (sitting in the back seat of the car talking to herself) Here at the Gala I find a mysterious little baby.
Mike: (Slightly incredulous, and wondering if he heard her right) Emma, What did you just say?
Emma: Nothing.
Mike: You did!  You said you found a mysterious little baby!
Emma: No, I didn't!
Mike: Yes, you did!
Emma: NO, I DIDN'T!
Mike: Ok...

Pony Hair

You know you're a mom when...

You go to the bathroom in the morning and the only comb you can find is a My Little Pony Brush.  And...lacking any alternate means you actually use it to do your hair.

And your comes out FABULOUS.

And you think to yourself, "Wow, my hair looks as good as Pinkie Pie's.  Maybe I should switch permanently to this My Little Pony Brush."

And then you realize that you just considered always styling your hair with a toy and that the celebrity you wish you looked like now was an animated pony.

But hey, at least Emma will think I'm totally cool!

Giggles!

Emma: (after crying for about ten minutes, she gives a little forced laugh and says the following) Sometimes you just have to giggle!

Mike: Yes, Emma.  That's the truth.
Emma: Yes, it is.

Brilliant and Amazing

Emma:  Dogs are brilliant!

Carina:  Brilliant?  Seriously?  I think you're brilliant.

Emma:  I'm not brilliant.

Carina:  No?  Why not?


Emma:  I'm AMAZING!

Picture This!

Megan: Miles, what do you want to take a picture of? Miles: I don't know. Megan: Why don't you take a picture of Juniper's butt? (Megan points at Theresa who is holding Miles' little brother, Juniper) Miles: Then I can take a picture of Juniper pooping on my camera! Megan: Ummm, no.

Christmas never ends!

Emma: Are those presents for me?!?

Carina: No.

My little gamer in training

She's actually doing fairly well, when she goes in the right direction.

How many bites?

Mike: Emma, you need to sit down and eat your dinner.
Emma: How about two more bites?
Mike: How about 7 more bites?
Emma: How about 8?
Mike: Done!

Santa was so funny!

Emma: Santa was so funny!
Carina: Why?
Emma: Because he was talking but his mouth wasn't moving!

More Christmas song reimaginings

Emma: Rudolph the dead nosed reindeer had some very shiny toes!
Carina: Did you say shiny toes?
Emma: Yup!  Shiny Toes!

Wonderful

Emma: He is getting wonderful all over himself.

Rudolph the two-nosed one not glowy reindeer.

Emma loves Christmas music.  One of her favorite holiday tunes is Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.
Here is the version of it that she sang for me in the car this morning.  I'll bold the important changes for effect.

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had another shiny nose! And if you ever saw it, you would never say it glows.  All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.  HEY! It's not nice to call names!

Provolone

Emma:  I want a sandwich.

Carina:  We don't have any more of the kind of cheese you like Emma.  All we have is provolone.

Emma:  Provolone?

Carina:  Yeah, you wanna try it?

Emma:  Ok....mmmm that's yummy.

Carina:  Ok, I'll make you a sandwich then.

Mike:  I'll go food shopping and get her some more regular cheese.

Emma:  Can I have more circle cheese?

Carina:  HAH!  Did she just called it circle cheese?

Mike:  Yes she did.  Emma, it's not called circle cheese.  It's called Pro-vo-lone.

Emma:  Mommy needs to be alone, not Prov alone!

Emma's First Pun

Emma: I just yawned two times. That means I'm two tired.

(We burst out laughing at this.

Emma: Why are you laughing at me?

Carina: We're not laughing at you Emma, we're laughing with you. That was a funny joke!

Emma: That wasn't a joke! It doesn't mean I'm funny. It means I'm mad!

Thankfulness

Emma and I had the following conversation first thing this morning...

Emma:  Mommy, you forgot to dress me!  (Pointing at her P.J.'s).

Carina:  Emma, you just got up.  I just haven't changed you into your clothes yet.  That's all.

Emma:  Where are your pajamas mommy?

Carina:  I don't wear pajamas honey.

Emma:  Why?

Carina:  Because I think it's more comfortable not to wear clothing when I'm sleeping.

Emma:  Did you like to wear pajamas when you were a kid?

Carina:  Yes, I did wear pajamas when I was a kid.

Emma:  When I get married can I not wear pajamas too?

Carina:  Lol.  Yes Emma, when you're married, you don't have to wear pajamas either.

Emma:  And then I can get a jewel to wear?  (That's what she calls my diamond ring).

Carina:  Yes, then you can get a jewel.

Emma:  How do I get married?

Carina:  You will ask someone someday or they will ask you.  And then one of you will say yes.

Emma:  I want to be married and wear no pajamas and just jewels!

I thought this conversation was just adorable due to its simplicity, and then it hit me.  My daughter thinks that marriage is about being naked and wearing jewels.  Obviously marriage is more than that, but it's a wonderful image and I'm not displeased that my daughter views our marriage that way.  What a luxurious perspective!  I hope that one day she is as lucky as I am and finds someone that makes her feel like that too.  Like you've just woken up in bed and covered in nothing but diamonds.  Blessings feel that way sometimes and I sure have a lot of them. 

I love you Mike.

Tired!

Emma: Don't go to sleep, Daddy!  I'm not tired!

F-ings!

Daddy:  What are you drawing there, Emma?

Carina:  She's practicing the letter F.

Emma:  LOOK AT ALL THE F-INGS!

Leg Fetch!

Emma was playing fetch with Zen and River today.  She would take the ball they brought her and throw it high in the air, which the dogs loved! They would go leaping dramatically after it, then give it back to her so she could throw it again for them.  It's this wonderful symbiotic relationship I had always hoped that my kids could have with their pets.  However today Zen's leg was itchy and he stopped mid fetch to bite at it, which prompted the following comment from Emma.

Emma: Why is he eating his leg?

A Paper

Emma: (Looking into the toilet as she prepares to go potty) What's that?
Mike: I don't know. (Looking into the toilet and seeing what seemed to be a wrapper for a medicine bottle)
Emma: I think it's a paper.
Mike: Yes, I guess it is.
Emma: (With an impish grin) I'm going to pee on the paper!
Then she did, and giggled.

My Little Bottom

Ma B:  There.  You are all dressed.  Those pants are very nice!

Emma:  Yes indeed.  And they are attached to my nice little bottom.

Technology Rant

I am a technophile. I love the stuff. I read about it online. I play with it at home. I read about it in science fiction books, and watch it in science fiction movies and shows of all stripes. I dream about it. I've made about 400 distinct new concepts for machines (none of which have ever gone beyond the kitchen table conversations, but still) that no one has ever seen before. I dream about this stuff. I buy this stuff. It's FUN!

What ideas have I dreamed up? Let's see...

I want to make a refrigerator that has a camera in it that allows the fridge to recognize which items of food are in the fridge, and how much of each are left, allowing it to pre-write your shopping list for you and have a little touch screen on the front of the door that showed what was in the fridge for cooking purposes, maybe even suggest recipes from various websites based on your past preferences. 

It could work like this: 
Open the fridge door to put in the newly purchased gallon of unopened milk. The cameras, strategically positioned, would recognize the milk (through a variety of shape/color/scanning/etc.), and enter it into the inventory of the fridge. Then when you set it on any shelf, the fridge weighs the new items, and logs the weight. Later, you open up the fridge, grab the gallon, remove it for about 20 seconds to fill a glass for your evening milk and cookies as the cameras log the removal, and return it 20 seconds later and again the cameras recognize that it's the milk being put back, and log the weight. It would notice that you drank 3oz of milk and give a specific amount of milk remaining in the gallon on the inventory on the door touch screen. About a week or so later, using the user generated list of food "staples" that your refrigerator should have in it at all times, the touch screen will alert you that the milk is running low, with about 2oz of milk left in the container and prompt you to purchase a new gallon. It could then sync with your phone, which would automatically post a shopping list pre-prepared for you by your own refrigerator that pops up when your phone GPS registers that you're at the supermarket.

For people who can't do their own shopping, this internet connected machine could generate and order shopping lists from the web based home delivery supermarket services automatically, ensuring consistent food for elderly or those with mental/physical issues that preclude them from taking care of themselves effectively or those too lazy to go out and buy it themselves. The fridge could even tell you which places near you have the items you want and which places sell them for the cheapest price.

Now imagine that you're blind. How amazing would it be for you to be able to just ask the refrigerator how much of any specific item you want is left in the fridge? Or where it is inside the fridge? And it could tell you, in a voice of whatever specific accent is most to your liking. I'm a fan of Irish, myself. 

Or ask the fridge to read you the recipe you happen to be making yourself and your family that evening. Even if you're not blind that'd be useful. I know it's annoying when I've got my hands covered in uncooked chicken and I forget how much oil the recipe needs, but the recipe book is on the wrong page, or I have to scroll up my iPad screen, but don't want to get it dirty, and don't want to interrupt my cooking long enough to wash my hands and flip the page (I know, I'm impatient). So instead I just ask. How much oil does the chicken need? And it'll respond with something like "Mike, your chicken risotto needs two tablespoons of cooking oil." 

But wait, if we're envisioning voice control in a kitchen, how about setting the oven temperature by request, or automatic reminders that a burner is on, but there is nothing on top of the burner, and do you want the burner to turn off if you're not using it?

And that's just one of the ideas that I've had regarding a kitchen. 

Now extrapolate those concepts to cars, televisions, teaching (because I'm a teacher, so yeah) and how different would the world look if we did this stuff throughout all of our daily routines, not just cooking? Would daily life even be recognizable as similar to what we have now? What we had 50 years ago? 100 years?

I know, I know. You're having visions of HAL 9000, or thinking that "Mike, you've been smoking the Science Fiction pipe for a little too long today." But here's the weird part. This isn't science fiction. This is all 100% possible right now.

So I'm a bit annoyed. 

The Bionic Man said it best, "Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster." Well, we have the technology too. we can make just about everything we use on a daily basis better, stronger faster. 

Why aren't we doing more with it?

Segue (or lack thereof) 

So you are aware that the newest iPhone came out a few days ago. 

You're not aware of this? Really? What rock have you been living under? No offense, but it's been talked about a LOT.

Anyway, it came carrying this little feature called Siri. Siri is AI for your phone. It takes voice commands, plays you music, sends emails, makes phone calls, and finds you the best restaurants in the area. All of that is pretty old tech. I mean like 8-12 year old tech. Why are we freaking out about this? Because the retail world IS freaking out about it, make no mistake. The big change here is that Siri actually understands the context of a question, taking into account the previous queries it has received from you and using that information to inform your subsequent queries, making it FAR more natural to talk to than any other voice command service on the market. Oh, wait... That's not entirely true. Siri is over 4 years old and its previous incarnation (Past it's DARPA fueled inception) was the Siri App that pretty much does everything that the 4S version of Siri does now. The major difference is that it's been done BETTER by Apple than it has ever been done before.

Ok, so Apple did it better than everyone else. That's not really new either. In the past decade, Apple has made some pretty major steps in the "We didn't do it first, but we did it best" areas of tech.

What's the lesson here?

Design matters. 

Integration matters. 

Usability matters. 

So does having a market that is prepared for it by all the preceding little gadgets that your company has been making a mint by selling. The success of the iPod led slow step by slow step inexorably to the world of Siri in which we now live. We've been mass brain washed into this. Maybe it'd be a better description to say that we've been slowly trained to use these new devices, because we ( the collective "We" of our market economy) wouldn't have been ready for all the features all at once. We'd have been scared, or skeptical, and frequently both. But since we've watched Apple introduce product after product to absolute hysteria of applause and approval, we're ready to try the thing everyone else is trying that seems so fun and cool looking and simple. This isn't scary new stuff, it's new toys for adults. The entire market has been taught by Apple to use Apple products more and more effectively every year for the last ten years, by design.

And suddenly Apple is one of the top brand names in the world, if not the actual top brand on any given day. Wasn't this the company who was considered a failure just over a decade ago? Yeah, good job Apple. I applaud you.

I just wish this happened a bit faster.

I just wish Apple wasn't the only company doing it right. 

Why aren't car companies doing this? Television manufacturers? Appliance manufacturers? Schools?

Why can't cars have more voice integration? It'd save lives simply being able to say that you want to change stations instead of having to reach over and physically change the radio station. Just that little bit of integration would literally save lives. I wish that were an exaggeration, but it's not. A highly voice integrated car could make driving far more safe by allowing us to focus on what's truly important, the road. (Because you and I both know that people won't stop things like changing the radio station in heavy traffic, or calling their friends, or texting while driving, though we all wish they would) 
Car radio retailers are laughably behind the times as well. I read online somewhere recently (Probably +Mike Elgan , but I can't find the post currently, but he's got some great tech articles and you should totally follow him) that, when in a Best Buy or other store that had a car radio section, the writer was struck by how stupid it would be to actually buy a car radio that only works in your car for anywhere from 100-500$ when all it could do was be a radio and maybe a DvD player that you'll never use while it's attached to the front dash of your car; when instead he could buy a phone or iPad or some other portable device that had many functions and could ALSO be a radio, and for comparable prices as well. 

What about televisions? Why are the interfaces for the internet on TV's so abysmally horrible? What would I need a remote for, if I could talk to my television? No more batteries or looking under cushions for the lost remote that your daughter decided to use as a "phone" and leave in the dogs crate while she was playing pretend. Why not have your phone or iPad/touch device be your remote AND your touch screen computer, assuming there is still anything for which you'd need an actual remote control. Again, this option is already here. Not science fiction, science fact, but not mainstreamed, and not utilized.

I know that we're in one of the fastest changing times in the entire history of mankind, and I know that humanity is consistently resistant to change; but I think that we need to start realizing the power of the tools that humanity has at its fingertips and start REALLY using it.

How can we start using the power of the internet to help alleviate issues with our dwindling supply of, and ever more desperate need for, fossil fuels?

Why haven't we started putting technology in the hands of schools and children who really need it to help them see education as FUN and important. Why do school age children not respect school or their teachers? Possibly in part due to the obvious lack of funds that our society funnels into those schools. Possibly because the 'cool new stuff" is never in a school. Possibly because the schools don't have all the tools they need to teach their students about the technological world of which they will be a part.

How are teachers supposed to prepare students for the technological world if they don't have any means of utilizing technology in a classroom?

Why aren't there more female programmers? 

Why can't we start building the engineers, artists, designers, and programmers by giving them the actual tools they need to learn those skills?

Besides, I want a flying car. C'mon people. 

Mike

Parenting Tip

If you are a parent, you probably are sleep deprived.  There simply are not enough hours in the day.  However, no matter how tired you may be, I hope you will follow this advice:
DO NOT, while potty training your child, and carrying both a paper to throw in the garbage and a potty full of urine, get mixed up and throw the urine in the garbage (and miss) and the paper into the toilet, like I just did.

More Google Voice Fun

 Hey it's me. 5% was just calling to hadn't heard from you. I'm putting up dinner so you got something for yougo to music gimme a call. And I was just. Tell me how you want to cry so I can make sure everything's alrightpoint, right. I love you, bye.

Baby!

Kate: Emma, Did you know I have a baby in my tummy?
Emma: Really?
Kate: Yes, would you like to feel?
Emma: (Goes over and puts her hand on Kates belly) I can't find it!

Faerie Wings

Emma: Want to see my wings, Daddy?
Mike: Sure!
Emma: (turns around to reveal the dress up wings she got for her birthday) Surprise!
Mike: Wow, those are great wings, Emma.
Emma: Yeah. I love being a fairy! Whee, I can Fly!

Shower of Funny

Emma:  I need something.
Carina:  Yeah, you need a shower.  Want to take a shower?
Emma:  I can wash my hair myself.
Carina:  Ok.
Emma:  Can you help me?
Carina:  Sure.
Emma:  Please don't.
Carina:  OMG blog!
Emma:  There's no need to blog!

The Truth

Emma got a time-out earlier for lying to me.  After she woke up from her nap, the following happened:

Emma:  I'm sorry I lied to you Mommy.

Carina:  You always have to tell me the truth, Emma.

Emma:  The truth is that I love you.  The truth is that I love your ipad... 

Third Person

Emma: Ma B I wish you were here!
Emma walks over to the window, climbs up and looks out for a minute solemnly.
Emma: "Ma B, Where are you?" She cried sadly. (she actually said all those words, including the "She cried sadly" part.)

Yes... Emma just spoke about her own actions in the third person.

Happy Birthday Emma

Emma on her 3rd Birthday!

Holding Emma

I know that this blog, Epic Insight, is supposed to be about the funny, but I wanted to share something kind of serious today.

I had a perfect day with Emma today.  I mean, just perfect.  Let me tell you about our day, and then I'll explain why it meant so much to me.

We started out by counting the stars on her responsibility chart.  This chart allows her to earn "stars" for doing certain chores (like using the potty or picking up her toys).  She can then "cash" these stars in for a surprise gift.  Usually it's a new My Little Pony, but recently Barnes and Noble sent me a coupon in the email in honor of her birthday for a free cookie, so I decided to save it for her next star chart surprise.

Vegetable Pig

A guest post by Theresa and her son Miles.


Miles: That's my favorite vegetable.
Theresa: What is?
Miles: Pig.
Theresa: Pig is not a vegetable.
Miles: Yes it is.
Theresa: What's it taste like?
Miles: Corn.


Her very good blog can be found here.


I highly recommend it!

Peacock Butt

Emma: May I have some cheese, please?
Carina: That was very polite, Emma.
Emma: Yes! It was!
Carina: (to Mike) That was so pompous that I swear peacock feathers sprang out of her butt.

What are the waves saying?

Today was Emma's first time to the beach! 


Carmen, Carina, Libby, Emma and I all went to the beach today.


Carmen tried to get Emma to go into the waves.


Carmen: Emma dont be afraid of the waves. Close your eyes and listen to what they have to say. They are talking to you. 


Emma: (closes her eyes and then opens them a little saying): I dont like what they are saying to me. They are too loud. 

Halloween Thighs

Carina:  Oh!  Mike!  You should totally be Aang for Halloween this year!

Mike:  Oh my god, I love that idea so much I'm going to start looking for costumes right now.

Carina:  If you're Aang I can totally pull off Toph.

Stay Upstairs

Larry: (Passing Emma on the stairs) Emma, do you want to come downstairs?
Emma: No, I want to stay upstairs and be in trouble.  That makes me HAPPY!

Hungry!

This morning Emma said:

I'm hungry like a dragon! An adult big dragon!

Nice Dinosaur

Emma: I'm a nice dinosaur!
Mike: Good!
Emma: What kind of dinosaur am I?
Mike: A nice dinosaur.
Emma: No, what kind of dinosaur?
Mike: Oh, umm... an Archaeopteryx. (It was the first to my mind because it was recently found to be NOT the first bird anymore)
Emma: But I can't fly!
Mike and Carina burst into laughter.

You have a what?

Emma: I have a zombie pony!
Mike: (Unsure I heard her correctly) You have a what?!?
Emma: A Zombie Pony!
Mike: Oh, of course you do.

Deep thoughts by Carina

Emma started sweeping the floor for fun today, and then later she called me "your majesty." Either I'm doing something very right or I'm doing something very wrong.

No, Turn Left!

So we have a GPS system in the car, mostly because Carina could get lost by turning around once. Seriously, ask her about it some time. It's pretty funny. Anyway, the GPS talks to us as we drive giving how far the next turn is, when we turn right or left, etc.  Emma has started mimicking the GPS and sounds remarkably like the voice at times.  She does the same thing when I use the voice activation feature on my phone while in the car.  Usually she justs repeats whatever the machine, or I, say. Today she changed the script.
GPS: In point three miles turn right.
Emma: In point three miles turn right.
GPS: In point two miles turn right.
Emma: In point two miles turn right.
GPS: Turn right:
Emma: NO! I want to turn left!

Bumblesweet, no Applejack

So Emma has been getting into My Little Pony lately, which it seems has made a resurgence since my sister loved them when she was somewhere around ten years old.  The new cartoon is one of Emma's favorite things to watch.  She even has a little My Little Pony plastic horse (a couple actually) and plays with them quite often.  Emma brought them in the car today, so we got the following little interaction.
Emma: (Holding up her little plastic horse) What is this horsey's name?
Carina: I don't know, let me look it up. (and Carina takes out her phone and researches the name of the My Little Pony Emma is holding)
Mike: (Having seen the show multiple times now, thanks to Emmas obsession) Isn't that Applejack?
Emma: Yes!
Carina: No, it's Bumblesweet.
Emma: It's what?
Carina: Bumblesweet.
Emma: I'm going to pretend that it's Applejack.

Zebra what?

Emma: I'm hungry.
Carina: Would you like yogurt to eat?
Emma: No.
Carina: Would you like spaghetti?
Emma: No, I want different spaghetti.
Carina: What is different spaghetti?
Emma: Zebra spaghetti!
Mike: I've never heard of zebra spaghetti, Emma.
Emma: Well now you have!

Opposites.

Climbing up the basement stairs from a car ride yesterday Emma asks the following question.
Emma: What does miniscule mean?
Carina: Very small. Did you just ask me about the word miniscule?
Emma: Yes. What about the big rock word?
Carina: The big rock word? What word is that?
Emma: Enormous.
Carina: You ARE still only two years old right?
Emma: Yes.

Emma Dancing

Emma and I had some fun this morning. Hope you enjoy it.

Cow Shoes

Emma:  What are those?
Mike:  Nuts.
Emma:  What kind of nuts?
Mike:  Cashews.
Emma:  Cow Shoes?!
Mike:  Not Cow Shoes!  Cashews!

Robot Alien

Emma walks into the office today looking like this:

Then she says in a robotic monotone:
Emma: I am a robot alien.  You must move like this.
And she starts waving her arms.

Thenzer

Emma:  (pounds on Carina and Mike's bedroom door)  Mommy, wake uuuuuuuup!
Carina:  (puts pillow back on head and rolls over)
Emma:  (continues to pound on the door and then suddenly just...stops)
Carina:  (sits up, listening intently because a quiet child is a trouble-making child)
Emma:  (stops banging on the door, but seems to be mumbling something quietly)
Carina:  (opens the door and looks down at Emma)
Emma:  It worked!
Carina:  What worked?
Emma:  My magic word!
Carina:  What magic word?  Huh?
Emma:  My magic word to wake you up!
Carina:  What word is that?
Emma:  Thenzer!
Carina:  Thenzer.
Emma:  (while waving her arms dramatically) Theeeeeeennnnnnnzzzzzzeeeeeeerrrr

But Mom!

Emma:  Can I go in the pool?
Carina:  No, it's bed time.
Emma:  But moooooooooom! (Said just like on a sitcom.)
Carina:  Where did you get that?
Emma:  My room.

Happy Father's Day

Mike:  Emma, do you think I'm a good father?
Emma:  Yes.
Carina:  Emma, why do you think Daddy is a good father?
Emma:  Because he's nice...and ticklish.

Randomness rewritten

Emma: I'm a Polar Bear expert, I think!

Next completely unrelated one.

Emma: My nose is falling off!  You're sitting on it!

And another.

Emma: Your eyebrow hair is soft, Mommy.

And one from Carina:

Carina: Where are my glasses? Oh yeah, I'm wearing my contacts... right.

70!

I do something we call baby push-ups with Emma.  I lie on my back and she lies on my chest. I then put my hands on her hips and push her into the air.  She counts each time I do a rep.  This is how she counted today:

Emma:
One!
Two!
Three!
Four!
Five!
Six!
Seven!
Eight!
Nine!
(She starts laughing a bit at this point)
Ten!
Eleven!
Twelve!
Thirteen!
Fifteen!
(The laughing gets harder)
Twenty!
Seventy!!!
(and she completely collapses into laughter)